Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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