Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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