I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
