DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
