I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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