So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize