There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
