Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
