Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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