wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
