His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
