There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
