I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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