but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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