I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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