my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
