dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
