I think my fart just growled at me.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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