I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize