Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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