you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
