I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
