Im at strip club and am horny
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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