i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
