I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
