today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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