i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
