I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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