Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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