Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
