so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My life is pants optional.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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