I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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