my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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