The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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