just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
