Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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