Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
