Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
