someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
