I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You ruined the universe
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
