I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
