my being single is dangerous.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
