cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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