I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
