I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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