everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
