the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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