I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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