Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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