at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
