He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize