You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
