After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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