He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My bed smells like the plague
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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