Soap is not a condiment
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
