Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
