just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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